Finding Confidence as a Queer Person by Setting Boundaries
By Marlena Bontas (She/Her)
Being queer as a young person can be stressful. Dealing with society’s pressure to be “normal” creates even more anxiety, in addition to the challenges of growing up and trying to be a responsible adult. However, know that your existence is normal and wonderful just as it is. One tool that can help decrease anxiety and make you feel more at ease in the world is boundaries.
Boundaries are limits that you set with yourself and with others. They can help you achieve personal goals, overcome internal struggles, and show others how you want to be treated.
Here are six ways to set healthy boundaries with yourself and others for better mental health.
Limit Interactions with Toxic Family Members or Friends
Toxic people are individuals who are okay with hurting you as long as they get what they need from you. If your family members or friends are toxic, consider limiting contact with them. Let them know how often you are willing to see or call them. Be firm when saying “no” but remain calm and composed.
Toxic individuals will try to convince you that you can’t say no, that rejecting them isn’t okay, or that creating distance is wrong. But remember: you are allowed to reject anyone who makes you feel unsafe, disrespected, or drained. No one can force you to maintain a relationship that harms your well-being.
Seek Out People Who Get You
As a queer person, life presents unique challenges. Having a group of friends who understand and support you can make a huge difference. Seek out LGBTQ+ groups, online communities, or local organizations where you feel comfortable and accepted.
If you’re an introvert, find other introverts. If you like technology, join a group for tech enthusiasts. If you’re an artist, connect with other creatives—writers, musicians, or designers. You deserve a community that uplifts you.
Set Goals
Having personal or career goals can boost confidence like nothing else. Embarking on a journey to achieve something meaningful brings joy, peace, and a heightened sense of self-worth.
Set 2-3 goals for this year—big enough to challenge you, but achievable with effort. Break them into smaller steps to make them easier to follow. If you’re unsure how to start, consider using SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound) to guide your planning.
Meditate
Meditation can change your brain chemistry and help you live a calmer, more fulfilling life. It’s a powerful tool for achieving inner peace, emotional balance, and long-term well-being.
Start with 5-10 minutes a day and increase the duration as you see fit. Apps like Headspace, Insight Timer, and Daily Calm can help you build a meditation habit. Taking time for yourself is not selfish—it’s essential.
Take Care of Your Mental Health
Mental health issues like anxiety and depression are serious. If left unaddressed, anxiety can turn into depression, and depression can lead to suicidal thoughts. If you’re struggling, please reach out to a psychotherapist.
Try to find a therapist who specializes in your specific mental health concerns. For example, if you experience anxiety, seek out someone with experience treating anxiety and panic disorders. You deserve support that truly helps.
If therapy isn’t accessible, consider joining an LGBTQ+ support group, crisis helpline, or mental health communityto connect with people who understand what you’re going through.
Say ‘No’ Without Guilt
No is the most powerful word in your vocabulary. Use it.
Start small. Decline a meeting you’re not excited about. Unsubscribe from a newsletter you never read. If you’re sick, say no to social plans and focus on resting.
Ask yourself: “Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I’m afraid of the consequences of saying no?” If your answer is fear or obligation, consider setting a boundary.
A great book to help you with this is “F*ck No! How to Stop Saying Yes When You Can’t, You Shouldn’t, or You Just Don’t Want To” by Sarah Knight.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are crucial for happiness and well-being. Facing life’s challenges as an LGBTQ+ person is much harder when you don’t know what you want or how you deserve to be treated.
Be kind to yourself by setting limits. You’ll find that with boundaries, your confidence will grow, your peace will increase, and you’ll build the life you truly deserve.
